We wish you a happy Valentine’s Day, whether you’re in a couple, single, in a polyamorous relationship, or defining your romantic status as “complicated”. To celebrate, we’re bringing you a little round-up of the worst underwear to give your other half… Or rather, underwear you should never give anyone, ever, under any circumstances.
In any case, we hope you’ve had a lovely day, and above all, that nobody’s just given you any of the underwear featured in this article.
The worst underwear: possessive pants
Yes, for Valentine’s Day, you can give your partner a pair of customised pants adorned with your portrait, jealously standing guard over their intimate parts. However, we sincerely hope none of you have done so. Just embarrassing, or downright creepy? We still can’t decide.
Take your pick:
- “Only [Your photo here] may ride this unicorn”. Let’s face it, the message on these boxers does have cute connotations. But if your other half has just given them to you, there’s a chance you’ll wake up tomorrow morning with glitter in your urethra. Don’t say we didn’t warn you!
- Property of [Your photo here]. Should we take these briefs as a label referring to the person wearing them, or just their intimate parts? Did Jack the Ripper give the same pair to his future victims? That said, if you’re in a relationship with someone who’s very absent-minded and often loses their pants, you could consider ordering them a pair with their own photo on it.
- The cockerel (cock = “dick” in English) is mine. Shall we talk about the woman’s plastic arm?
- A nicer variation: [Your photo here] makes me wet. The gardener briefs are just as cringe, but the intention is sweet. It’s really their ugliness that earns them a place in this bestiary of the worst underwear.
The worst underwear: animal pants
I have to admit, I’m a big fan of knickers featuring animals myself. Dressing your backside up as a panda or a cat now and then, why not? But animal-print pants often tread a fine line between cute and ridiculous. Here are a few; we’ll let you make up your own mind.
- The elephant pants, a classic.
- The cockerel pants. “I have a big cock.” You’ll have to repeat that joke on a loop to keep a straight face while proudly wearing these pants.
- The cat pants: okay, we get the pun, but this cat strongly disapproves.
- The wolf pants are judging you in silence. Needless to say, they disapprove too.
- The pants crawling with cockroaches… Well, okay, they’re beetles, but still, yuck. Each to their own, though. If you like these knickers, you might be pleased to hear that insect sex toys are also a thing.
The worst underwear: alien abductions and anal probes
When aliens come up, there’s always a point when stories of abductions are mentioned, often accompanied by one very particular episode: the insertion of an anal probe. But do you know where this anal-probe story comes from?
In 1964, an American named Barney Hill, claiming to have been abducted with his wife Betty by aliens three years earlier, said under hypnosis that the aliens had inserted a cylindrical object into his rectum, probably to remove something from it. However, his statement came shortly after the broadcast of a series of episodes of “The Outer Limits”, in which aliens performed surgery on humans lying face down.
- The thong “I love anal probes”. At least your partner will always be very careful when wearing this thong. After all, nobody will want to risk ending up in A&E with a message like that on their pants.
- The thong “It’s anal probe time!”. There may be more subtle ways to suggest anal sex…
The worst underwear: zombie pants
Themed underwear is great. Harry Potter lingerie, Pikachu knickers or Game of Thrones: pop culture is a wonderful source of inspiration for clothing designers. But although zombies already inspire plenty of sex toys and even porn parodies, they’re a tricky subject when you try to make them sexy.
- This lingerie set, with a bra depicting a zombie’s eyes and knickers showing its mouth, might illustrate just how difficult that challenge is.
- While the previous set was almost classy, the boxers that follow are a perfect example of what not to do… Anyone of a sensitive disposition, close your eyes: it’s absolutely disgusting. I even hesitated to include them in this article, but I have to say they really are among the worst underwear I’ve ever seen.
- Not a zombie, but best avoided all the same: the Shrek-mouth pants. Granted, Shrek is likeable, but nobody wants to see him near a penis. At least, not in this form.
The worst underwear: food innuendo
If you enjoy oral sex, it can be fun to proclaim it with a cheeky little hint on your underwear, or on the underwear you’re about to give to the love of your life. And what else do we put in our mouths? Well, food, the connection is obvious.
But if you want to keep things sexy, as they might advise you in the relationship pages of a women’s magazine, you’d be wise to choose the food on your underwear carefully so that the allusion remains subtle.
- Actually, what I meant was: no sausages. Which reminds me of this news story: Haute-Loire: thief rumbled by his pants at a sausage factory.
- And no, a hot dog is not a valid excuse for wearing sausage pants!
- The previous ones were far too tame, so here’s the charcuterie version of sausage-print boxer shorts.
- The “Taste my sausage” pants. No, Gégé, honestly, no sausages! And if you’re planning to stay in your pants, put on some sun cream: the sun beats down during drinks at the campsite.
- The pants saying “Hello! (said the sausage) Fancy a little treat tonight?” Give it a rest with the pants, Gégé, you’re a pain. Yes, Gégé, we got the hint; there’s no need to spell it out. These definitely deserve a place among the worst underwear one could imagine. The sausage is the star of the film “Sausage Party: The Secret Life of Food”. If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t watch it with your family. Spoiler: it ends with a particularly embarrassing orgy involving sausages, sauces and various kinds of bread.
- The “gluten-free” knickers, which is another way of saying you’re not hiding breadcrumbs or macaroni in your fanny.
- The “Happy Meal” knickers. Admittedly, plenty of us secretly enjoy a McDonald’s meal from time to time. Even if you’re a little ashamed because you loudly proclaim that you’ll tolerate nothing but haute cuisine, does your little carton of potato wedges, packed with industrial saturated fats, give you a guilty little pleasure? McDonald’s, the original sin of modern times? Er, perhaps we’re getting a bit carried away. Whatever the case, they might have been better off choosing something other than the children’s meal to illustrate these knickers.
Have you spotted any lingerie sets that deserve a place in this round-up of the worst underwear? Tell us about them in the comments.
As for me, in the hope of adding to this article, I’m still on the hunt for a sauerkraut thong. Just imagine my Google search history: “Sauerkraut thong”, “Sauerkraut panties”, “Sauerkraut briefs”, “Sauerkraut underwear”, and so on… Nothing, absolutely nothing to satisfy my quest. All I can find is sauerkraut, the food, and perfectly ordinary pants. Yet I’m almost certain I’ve come across a photo of one of these before, and admit it: a sauerkraut thong would deserve a prime spot in the catalogue of the worst underwear anyone could give as a gift. If you manage to track down such a marvel, you have my full attention (and admiration).
