A few days ago, I discovered Fetlife, social network aimed at people interested in BDSM and/or fetish practices.
Given that this site has been around since January 2008, I’m a bit late to the party. By the way, Lui tells me (again!) that he had already come across this site. But, hoping not to be the last to find out, I’d like to take you on a quick tour.
Signing up on Fetlife
I’m asked to choose my username, password, and gender.
Gender
I can choose from quite a few options. Far from being limited to male and female, they have the good sense of not pigeonholing all transgender people into one single category. Having signed up as a blog, I find it hard to decide which gender is appropriate. No problem, “undecided” is also available among the possible options. I’m also told that I’ll be able to change my details as often as I like later on.
I later learn that even the username can be changed, provided I don’t rename myself more than once a month.
The role in BDSM
Dominant / top / master/mistress
Not being familiar with all these terms, I turned to Wikipedia to tell the difference between dominant, top and master/mistress. There is no “official” definition, but in broad terms:
- The “top” is more focused on practices such as spanking, bondage, humiliation, etc…
- The “dominant” primarily relies on their authority.
- And finally, a “master/mistress” is a dominant who plays their role on a daily basis, or structures their practices around a well-defined set of rules and rituals.
That said, these naming conventions are not systematically respected. In fact, everyone has their own definition of BDSM and lives it as they see fit.
Bottom / submissive / slave / “pet”
The “bottom” is the playmate of the top, the “submissive” is the playmate of the dominant, the“slave” is the playmate of the master. The “pet” (“a pet”) is a submissive kept on a leash, and possibly adorned with items that give them an animalistic look (tail plug, fake ears, mask, hoof shoes, etc.
Switch
A “switch” is someone who practices BDSM but enjoys swapping roles.
Fetishist
Well, I’m not going to define you as “fetishist”, after all. I imagine that, in order to fit the site’s context, the fetishism in question has to be at least somewhat close to the realm of BDSM. Apple compote fetishists (yes, I know there are many of you), you haven’t found what you’re looking for yet.
Sadist / masochist / sadomasochist
I later discovered that in these categories there are sometimes rather… impressive photos.
Vanilla
The term “vanilla” describes a person who has no particular interest in BDSM or fetish practices. When looking up the meaning of this expression, given the yellow colour of vanilla, I was expecting something entirely different…
Kinkster
A kinkster is open to various unusual sexual games, without focusing on a specific practice.
The other information requested
I also appreciate that they are sensible here and don’t ask for my name, my job, or whether I intend to have children or move in the coming years. Sadly, that is the case on many dating sites, which haven’t thought to change their template between their version for Mormons looking to get married and their version for fans of anal stretching. When I sign up somewhere where people talk about sex, I have no desire to present my CV or talk about my childhood.
The only personal details asked for are: an email address (which will not be displayed on the site), a date of birth, a country and a region.
Still, just to criticise a little: the captcha you have to retype to prove you’re not a bot is really annoying. I got it wrong four times.
After signing up on Fetlife
Once I’m logged in, I’m delighted to see that there are actually quite a lot of registered users. In France, for example, there are more than 9,000 registered users. Even though many accounts are a bit old, it still adds up to a considerable community. You can search for registered users by geographical location, or by fetishism. However, you can’t combine these two criteria.
Overview
The site is clean and clear. You get access to a messaging system and a chat, free and without any limitations at all regarding communication between registered users.
Profiles are visible to all registered members, but they are not indexedThis does not, of course, guarantee complete confidentiality. Anyone can sign up, including people who might recognise you if you don’t keep your mug sufficiently hidden or if you flaunt it ostentatiously .. However, these people will have registered on a BDSM community site beforehand, won’t they? It will nonetheless prevent a recruiter from finding a photo of you stark naked and trussed up by Googling you a little too closely.
Photos: let’s all sing along
And a very pleasant surprise awaits me: the photos. These are also free to view, if the person who posted them has chosen to show them to all registered members. Otherwise, they are shown only to that person’s “friends”.
Many registered members post beautiful photos. Artistic and/or erotic. Not all, of course. As everywhere, there is also a bloke who posted a photo of his dog, another who posted a photo of his cock. However, there are far fewer solo nudes than on a dating site. As for me, I have nothing to show off. Indeed, out of laziness in finding a more suitable image, I put my Gravatar, in very blurry resolution.
Paid content
With a subscription at five euros per month, you get access to videos and a longer publication history. The longer history is mainly for having a longer look, by viewing the news on the “Kinky & Popular”, which is dedicated to the publications that have been most successful on the site.
Other features
The site also lists events and has a forum, organised into discussion “groups”, in English. You can create a new discussion group, or join an existing one. It also has a section “Writing”, dedicated to texts written by members (also in English).
The atmosphere on Fetlife
Finally, a rather nice touch: the day after I signed up, I received a message titled “Your Official FetLife Welcome !”. This email did not come from a bot, but from a “FetLife Greeter”, one of the 55 volunteer members of the site who welcome newcomers. In addition to providing some useful information and links, “greeters” offer to help answer any questions that might remain unclear despite the available information.
Bdsm.fr, a free French-language alternative to Fetlife
I was told about Bdsm.fr, which I must also mention in this article. This French-language BDSM community site, which currently has only a small number of members (a little over 400 as I write these lines, but that’s only the beginning, members will sign up over time), offers roughly the same features as Fetlife, except that it is completely free.
The atmosphere is worth a visit. Despite the low number of registered users on Bdsm.fr, I somehow encountered more social interactions there than on Fetlife.
A little over a year later
Edit (December 2013): After spending some time on it, I find Bdsm.fr much friendlier than Fetlife (where I have somewhat abandoned my account).
It is a pleasant, open-minded discussion space, where newcomers are warmly welcomed, provided they are polite. You can talk about anything there, and some people make nice connections. But beware the impertinent person who hopes to have a one-night stand without saying hello: the regulars are quick to put them in their place.
It now has nearly 10,000 registered users, and its forums are very active.
Edit 2 : I am told that on Fetlife, there are several French-language groups. Among these are regional groups that organise munches* or events, substantial French-language forums, and a French-language user guide to the site in the “France/Français” group.
(*) A munch is an informal gathering at which people interested in BDSM meet, talk, drink and eat. It involves no dress code, practice, outfit or SM or sexual situation.
