Very often, on alternative lifestyle sites, as on ordinary dating sites for that matter, you find a hodgepodge of ads and tricks to convince you that with a paid subscription, your charm will soar.
And fakes, to encourage you to pay sign up. Here, on AdultFriendFinder, a well-known adult dating site, I spotted the profiles of members visible on the front page for a non-registered visitor. They were supposed to belong to pretty young women or cute couples, living not far from me. Once logged in, I searched for their usernames, to check. Results:
- For six profiles, my search resulted in: “The member you were looking for was featured in advertisements. Due to the enormous number of responses received, we have changed their username. However, here are very similar members.”
- For the other three, I learn that two charming 27-year-old couples living nearby are in fact a 36-year-old Argentinian and a 48-year-old Venezuelan, who haven’t logged in for ages. As for the pretty 23-year-old brunette, she’s a 50-year-old Texan.
But of course, I’m probably not telling you anything new.
If you signed up after falling for the pretty brunette who might have been your neighbour on the landing, only to discover their moustache and their cowboy voice, don’t be sad. Once signed up, you can come across really nice people. Proof:
The Penis Man, a classic on alternative lifestyle sites
The Penis Man is a fairly common phenomenon, on alternative lifestyle sites as in many nooks and crannies of the internet. His quirk: his profile photo is a knob. His own, or that of a porn actor, or maybe that of the neighbour, who knows? “I am a knob, therefore I am”, could this be an expression of phallic Cartesian thought?
His message is generally short, but not necessarily disastrous. The issue, however, is his photo.
Admittedly, it may not be advisable to show your face on a site that has something to do with arse. The reason being that your neighbour or Auntie Hortense might recognise you if they come across you there. But of course, there are lots of more original things than a knob you can put as a profile avatar. I don’t know, a landscape, a left ear, a cute rabbit… Because well…
By the 1000th wee-wee in close-up that contacts you, even if it is a cheerful and friendly wee-wee, you rarely feel like replying to it.
And besides, if the bloke has written something interesting, it’s not very practical for spotting him.
“We got a really cool message!”
– Oh really? Which one?
– The one with a wee-wee as an avatar..
– Uh…”
Given that wee-wees make up about 75% of the profile photos of people who write to you (wee-wees are chatty), so much for finding the right one…
Hey miss!.. Ah, you’re two?
– “Hi ur nice, want 2 have sex?” “Hi, I find you very pretty, would you like to make love?”
Well yes, but no, there are two of us, it’s not very polite to act as if you’re addressing only one person. As far as we can see, it says “couple” everywhere on our profile; we speak using “we” and “our”. Eyesight problems perhaps?
– “Yeah sorry, but you want 2 get to know each other? Got a big 20cm sex” “Sorry for the confusion, but let’s not let that stop us from getting to know each other! Would you like to see my penis? It’s twenty centimetres long.”
There, you wonder whether the bloke is genuinely dim, or whether he’s deliberately trying to convince himself that he’s addressing a lady in heat, even if it’s the bloke who is replying to her. And if, by now, he hasn’t been electrocuted, with his penis stuck in an electrical socket, having in a moment of absent-mindedness mistaken it for a consenting partner.
This specimen is fairly common. Here’s a more original one, freshly received.
– “Who takes all the photos of you on your profile? Are you a model?” “Who takes all the photos of you on your profile? Are you a model / a photo model / a naive young girl with ambitions of modelling, to whom I could offer my services as a professional erotic photographer in my room (and my knob, because after all, my knob is missing from these photos…)?
Well, once again, it says couple everywhere, in some photos there are two of us, and in others you only see me.. Mystery.. Who could be behind the lens? A clue: it might be Teddy the kind bear ?
The copy-pasted block of drivel
Oh, it’s been ages since I used this word. “Drivel”. In this context, it’s actually the right word.
12358 characters. No line breaks.
If you have the courage to try reading this message, whose spelling is a bit painful, received on an alternative lifestyle site, you discover that:
- This gentleman hasn’t grasped that he is addressing several people either. He’s talking to the lady, and he’s counting on her eagerly feeling her frilly bits while thinking about him and his substantial fantasy potential.
- From his point of view, you’re already intimate: yup, in his text, at 12:48, you even carefully soaped up his arse. Yes, you know, just before he got to chewing your dirty undies under your disbelieving gaze. You could at least have said hello first, sir!
The piece nevertheless contains no fewer than 35 occurrences of the word “anus”: our obscene robot has nothing to envy him!
Mr Repetitive, or the living spam of alternative lifestyle sites
He is a man at least twenty years older than us, whose profile photo is focused on a gorgeous belly looming over a little exposed wee-wee, which curiously leans to the left. I don’t doubt for a moment that this man is blessed with a multitude of highly attractive assets… But he doesn’t showcase them well when it comes to meeting people online.
Wednesday: “Hi I am xxxxxxxx, if it suits you I would like to be your sexual object I am listening to my partner if I suit you leave me a message I will call you back cheers. 0657xxxxxx”
Faced with such fine prose, we managed to hold back from replying immediately. Never mind that!
Thursday: “If you want sex I come to see you cheers”
Friday: “If you fancy a bit of sex call me 0657xxxxxx I am xxxxxxxx
Well, there, Mr Repetitive has just forgotten that there are two of us as well.
Saturday: “Hi I’m looking for sex no hassle if it suits you call me 0657xxxxxx.”
Intrigued by so much insistence, I went to take a look at his profile. I then learn that he has only been registered for about ten days. Well, perhaps he signed up after clicking on an ad telling him that the site is packed with hot women and crispy ones with a nice melting-caramel taste like embers, desperately looking for a knob near you to bang tonight.
Fortunately, alternative lifestyle sites also have courteous members
But fortunately, among those we’re not in the mood to do sexual things with (nor share philosophical debates with) there are also…
The cute old Japanese man, a caricature of an obsessive, who only speaks Japanese and repeats on loop “I love you I want to lick your ass forever” (ah yes, that’s special, but I imagine he did what he could with Google Translate, at least it makes you smile).
The slightly older good-natured bloke who, when you decline (politely, since he is polite) his proposition, wishes you lots of happiness by ending his email with “Enjoy yourselves and be happy, children“.
They’re lovely. And so are lots of others.
